The last two years have gone by in what seems like a moment.
I have about 9 "drafts" of posts for Life's Cupcakes that I have wanted to finish.
I felt a strong pull to the computer to enter in a post today about being happy.
Happiness is a big topic these days, with articles flooding the New York Times, books on the front tables at Barnes and Noble: The Happiness Project, How to Achieve REAL Happiness (as opposed to fake happiness I guess?) and advice offered all around. There is even a "happiness index" some communities are using. Idealistic? Maybe.
I will just pick a part of this grand topic...the happiness of our children and how it affects us as parents. Its been a topic of conversation in our home recently, and I have a story to offer.
YOU ARE ONLY AS HAPPY AS YOUR SADDEST CHILD
Have you heard that expression? Someone mentioned it to me once, years ago, and it went in one ear and out the other. "Sure" I thought..."If you don't have a life!" Laughing inside, I heard these words and paid them very little attention. I am now surprised with the accuracy that expression holds.
Our oldest daughter is in middle school. It's been difficult for her. OK, who am I kidding, middle school can just suck for so many...but it is true that its harder for some more than others. Most girls go through difficulty in these grades that can be based around any number of topics: friendships, boys, body image, confidence issues, sports, pressure, grades...you name it (and I should say boys, too! I had a dear friend tell me recently her son was bullied and had a very hard middle school time). The challenges can be heavier than the backpacks they carry across campus, filled with books and assignments for the week. Parents help them load those backpacks with their finished homework, notes, signed permission sheets, checks for field trips, water bottles and even a healthy snack. All of these things ironically weigh down the pack even more, but we think the extra weight is helping move this child forward in life.
For our daughter, the hardest part for her right now is learning what the word "friend" means, and how it can mean something different to everyone. With the growing addiction of communicating through technology, it can be so painful...as she reviews Instagram posts of things she wasn't invited to, wasn't thought of, left out of. Just today it was all of her "friends" in a photo, but not her. All posting to each other...not her. She even posted "I am sad I wasn't in that photo"...no reply.
Halloween is coming...the time of year we used to love. When our children were young we looked forward to the treats, costumes, scary stories...As our family grew we made sure to start traditions of including friends and their children to our home to enjoy the festivities. Somehow the innocence and joy of costumes and candy has taken a shift, and in middle school, if you are not a part of the costume "group" it can be devastating, to the point of wanting to cancel Halloween.
YOU ARE ONLY AS HAPPY AS YOUR SADDEST CHILD
"Mom, what do I DO? Im so sad and no one wants me in their costume group"
"Well, have you told them that you feel left out? Surely your "friends" will understand and reach out"
YOU ARE ONLY AS HAPPY AS YOUR SADDEST CHILD
"MOM! I asked all of them and they all, separately, said NO."
"Hmmm...well, how does that make you feel?"
"AWFUL mom! DUH!"
"I am so glad you are experiencing this so that if it is ever reversed you will know how to be inclusive"
"Mom, that doesn't help me now!?"
"You are right, but there is nothing I can do to help you other than tell you that this shall pass.
It WILL be OK and you need to be strong"
stay out of it mom. Don't load that backpack up with more heavy books!
YOU ARE ONLY AS HAPPY AS YOUR SADDEST CHILD
Ouch. There is a lesson here, right?
Actually, what we have discovered is, there are so many wonderful lessons.
My husband and I talk about how we are learning through their issues just as much as they are.
There is an amount of "parental help" our children need, deserve and crave, and there is an amount that is just too much. That backpack has to be just the right weight to balance them.
*note: When someone finds the right ratio for each situation, could you let me know?
Its ok to feel our children's pain, but we cannot (and should not) take it away.
Teach our children independence so if they have to stand there alone, they feel confident that they are ok by themselves.
Our child can learn how to treat others by their own experiences. How inclusion is better than exclusion.
We have a younger daughter, too. She is just a few years away from middle school. Today she came home and told us that someone in her class was excluded from a sleepover and it made her very sad. She said she wanted to ask her to a playdate soon to make her feel better. Maybe she is watching her older sister's heartache, and becoming the person she wishes would surround and support her sister.
Here's to happy children...happy, supported and included children. I know one thing, our middle school daughter probably wont ever leave anyone out. She knows how painful it can be.
