The Beach Boys and Social Media

My husband and I went to the Beach Boys concert at Red Rocks. We marinated in history, irony and incredibly good musical talents. As I listened to songs like "Be True To Your School" and "Little Surfer Girl", I couldn't help but reflect on the innocence of that era. Having a crush, "dating" in the true sense of the word, meeting the parents of your soon-to-be wife or husband....it all happened in such a traditional way. Growing up in small towns, trusting your neighbors, having a close group of friends at school. Bullying back then meant a punch in the face or a bad rumor, it didn't include nasty Facebook messages and posts on Instagram that are written for all the world to see. It didn't include photos that show the follower what parties she is missing, or the trip he was excluded from.
Times have changed dramatically, and as parents, we have to change with them to help our children navigate through a life riddled with social media.
The advice I give myself to tackle this challenge:
1) Open up dialog with your child. However that looks in your family, any dialog is good dialog. Get them to share their feelings, circumstances and experiences. Listening is so valuable, and can not inly help you understand what they are going through, but can help your child feel they have a safe place to go.
2) Slow down. Don't judge, or jump to conclusions. I always do this and have to bite my lip. I immediately assume I know how something went down, whose fault it is and, biggest mistake, how to fix it! STOP- take time to listen. Take time to let the situation calm down before making decisions about how to proceed with helping your kids.
3) Make sure your child understands social media. Here is what I mean by this; kids are all different. Some mature faster than others. Social media is a very powerful tool, and just like driving a car, there should be lessons on using it.
Obvious guidelines may not obvious to teens:
*What you post will be there for all to see, and for a very long time. Posts can be used against you, they can be dangerous and hurtful. Posts should only be written if you would feel comfortable showing your grandmother. I love that rule!
*What you SEE isn't always the truth (and actually rarely is!). To look over someone's social media pages and think their life is perfect and yours isn't is ridiculous. Many pre-teens and teens fall into this trap (and adults too!). Always remember that most people (not all, but most) post only perfect images that show images of perfection, but they, too, have their own demons. Social media does not represent real life. It can be very scary for young people to see this and compare their life to the apparent lives of their peers.
*Think about others when you post. Think about how your post may make others feel- is it inclusive or exclusive? Are you sharing something that may hurt someones feelings? It can be very valuable to put yourself in others shoes.

I am still working on navigating this, bother personally and with my children. I enjoy the memory of the Beach Boy's era, but also know our era can be equally special if managed properly.

Your Saddest Child

The last two years have gone by in what seems like a moment.
I have about 9 "drafts" of posts for Life's Cupcakes that I have wanted to finish.

I felt a strong pull to the computer to enter in a post today about being happy.
Happiness is a big topic these days, with articles flooding the New York Times, books on the front tables at Barnes and Noble: The Happiness Project, How to Achieve REAL Happiness (as opposed to fake happiness I guess?) and advice offered all around. There is even a "happiness index" some communities are using. Idealistic? Maybe.
I will just pick a part of this grand topic...the happiness of our children and how it affects us as parents. Its been a topic of conversation in our home recently, and I have a story to offer.

YOU ARE ONLY AS HAPPY AS YOUR SADDEST CHILD
Have you heard that expression? Someone mentioned it to me once, years ago, and it went in one ear and out the other. "Sure" I thought..."If you don't have a life!" Laughing inside, I heard these words and paid them very little attention. I am now surprised with the accuracy that expression holds.

Our oldest daughter is in middle school. It's been difficult for her. OK, who am I kidding, middle school can just suck for so many...but it is true that its harder for some more than others. Most girls go through difficulty in these grades that can be based around any number of topics: friendships, boys, body image, confidence issues, sports, pressure, grades...you name it (and I should say boys, too! I had a dear friend tell me recently her son was bullied and had a very hard middle school time).  The challenges can be heavier than the backpacks they carry across campus, filled with books and assignments for the week. Parents help them load those backpacks with their finished homework, notes, signed permission sheets, checks for field trips, water bottles and even a healthy snack. All of these things ironically weigh down the pack even more, but we think the extra weight is helping move this child forward in life.

For our daughter, the hardest part for her right now is learning what the word "friend" means, and how it can mean something different to everyone. With the growing addiction of communicating through technology, it can be so painful...as she reviews Instagram posts of things she wasn't invited to, wasn't thought of, left out of. Just today it was all of her "friends" in a photo, but not her. All posting to each other...not her. She even posted "I am sad I wasn't in that photo"...no reply.

Halloween is coming...the time of year we used to love. When our children were young we looked forward to the treats, costumes, scary stories...As our family grew we made sure to start traditions of including friends and their children to our home to enjoy the festivities. Somehow the innocence and joy of costumes and candy has taken a shift, and in middle school, if you are not a part of the costume "group" it can be devastating, to the point of wanting to cancel Halloween.

YOU ARE ONLY AS HAPPY AS YOUR SADDEST CHILD
"Mom, what do I DO? Im so sad and no one wants me in their costume group"
"Well, have you told them that you feel left out? Surely your "friends" will understand and reach out"

YOU ARE ONLY AS HAPPY AS YOUR SADDEST CHILD
"MOM! I asked all of them and they all, separately, said NO."
"Hmmm...well, how does that make you feel?"
"AWFUL mom! DUH!"
"I am so glad you are experiencing this so that if it is ever reversed you will know how to be inclusive"
"Mom, that doesn't help me now!?"
"You are right, but there is nothing I can do to help you other than tell you that this shall pass.
It WILL be OK and you need to be strong"
stay out of it mom. Don't load that backpack up with more heavy books!

YOU ARE ONLY AS HAPPY AS YOUR SADDEST CHILD
Ouch. There is a lesson here, right?
Actually, what we have discovered is, there are so many wonderful lessons.
My husband and I talk about how we are learning through their issues just as much as they are.
There is an amount of "parental help" our children need, deserve and crave, and there is an amount that is just too much. That backpack has to be just the right weight to balance them.
*note: When someone finds the right ratio for each situation, could you let me know?
Its ok to feel our children's pain, but we cannot (and should not) take it away.
Teach our children independence so if they have to stand there alone, they feel confident that they are ok by themselves.
Our child can learn how to treat others by their own experiences. How inclusion is better than exclusion.

We have a younger daughter, too. She is just a few years away from middle school. Today she came home and told us that someone in her class was excluded from a sleepover and it made her very sad. She said she wanted to ask her to a playdate soon to make her feel better. Maybe she is watching her older sister's heartache, and becoming the person she wishes would surround and support her sister.

Here's to happy children...happy, supported and included children. I know one thing, our middle school daughter probably wont ever leave anyone out. She knows how painful it can be.

The Best Smoothie Ive Ever Had

Simple post: smoothie recipe. I am really into making smoothies for my family. My oldest daughter refuses to eat anything for breakfast that you actually have to pick up and chew. She is my smoothie inspiration. The best one yet, with the most bang for your buck as far as nutrients. GREENIE (as we call it).
Mix in blender:
1. Handful of green grapes (you can freeze them and keep them for a long time to use whenever!)
2. Handful of fresh spinach leaves (and yes, they blend up quite nicely in a typical blender)
3. Some coconut water
4. A little milk (or just use coconut milk if you have it)
YUM. Good and good for you, as my father says. ENJOY.

Teenage memories and realities

Today is a day filled with ironies.

My 10 year old daughter is going to her first, school “dinner and dance” tonight for 5^th graders. She has her clothes picked out and a friend coming over to prepare with her. What fun. Memories come flooding back for me. It’s an awkward age, filled with all kinds of firsts, new feelings, experiences, changes, pressures and fun.

Today is also the day I am scheduled to go get braces put on my lower teeth. For those that haven’t read my post from last summer, my daughter and I visited the ortho together last year, with the intention of getting her teeth analyzed and possible BRACED. Well, turns out I am the one that needs them.

SO as I watch my daughter and her friend head off tonight to a wonderful new pre-teen experience, my smile will be filled with a mouthful of teenage memories, literally.

We had no snow over the holidays here in Boulder, but today made up for it. What a view from my back deck. How did I get so lucky?

The Most Difficult Job There Is

"Being a stay-at-home mom is one of the most difficult and important jobs there is."

It's a true sentence, but how many people really believe that?

I am not sure I relate to the phrase *stay-at-home-mom*.
There is not much staying-at-home involved. Most of the time we are taxi drivers, errand runners, delivery people, schedule coordinators, activity transporters, cleaners and Sherpas.
Stay-at-home...lets re-title that for this blog entry. I like Domestic Engineer, but I will simplify it to Full Time Mom.

"Being a full time mom is the most difficult and important jobs there is."

Cliche, but true.
We (Full Time Moms) should know it, but every so often its important to be reminded. To be given reassurance. To be commended. There are no tangible trophies, no cash bonuses, no paid company vacations, and no promotions. Mothering is not conducive to fun cocktail conversation offering bragging rights about the cool thing that happened at our job that day, and, ironically, when you brag about your children and family it seems so pompous.

So our job review and advancement occurs when our children look at us and get it. When they show love, when they act with respect, when they hug for no reason and forgive a mean friend. When they hold a door open and walk the dog without being asked. When they share with us their pains and glories. When they come home and talk about stresses they are trying to understand.
Our bonus comes when someone tells us that being a mom is "the most important job there is" and really means it.

I was at a Holiday party last month and saw an acquaintance. She has one very young (3 years old) child and one school-aged. We asked the typical holiday-party questions, "How is your break?" "What are you doing with the kids for New Years to celebrate?" etc.

Then...she asked me "What are you doing with your time these days?"

My response...brace yourself..."I am still a stay-at-home mom."

Her response…brace yourself… "But your kids are in school all day!"

Pause, breathe, and answer with sincerity I thought to myself.

I began to answer, “It is still a lot to handle without help…” She interrupted me to say, “How long are they gone… isn’t it all day?”

I felt as though I was failing a math exam. She was calculating the time I spent on chores and subtracting it from my day without the children. Her thoughts were almost audible, an hour for laundry, an hour for groceries…where does the time go?

I became defensive…NOT a good cocktail party response.
I could feel the blood rush to my face, not out of embarrassment (well, maybe a little) but out of sheer frustration with her question.

I thought, how could she not get it? She is one of us…a Full Time Mom.

Wait...that’s right...she still has a little one at home all day, so she is struggling to qualify my job as a stay-at-home-mom with THREE children that are in school.

I took it upon myself to help her understand.
I began walking her through my days.

“Normally by the time I clean up breakfast and start the dishwasher, the dogs need their walk. If I have the time, I do a workout for myself. I come back to load some laundry, I answer emails and calls for a while, ranging from room-parent issues to scheduling for the kids to friends asking how I am, then I start to straighten up. After getting slightly sucked into a few projects such as the closet that has been holding 20 years of junk, I head to the office to pay bills, call the cable company because of the bad reception, fix the light bulb that is out and fight for a cheaper car insurance. Back to switch the laundry again, then out to the grocery store and any errands I have (normally a list for the kids a mile long). I get home in time to walk the dogs once more, feed the cats, empty that dishwasher from the morning, start thinking about dinner, research bullying on the Internet to help my child through a school issue, figure out why the cat threw up on the carpet and head to the bus stop.”

Her eyes glazed over with a coating similar to one on top of the best doughnut I've eaten. Was she getting it or just too kind to tell me how bored I've made her?

We smiled and ended the conversation amicably (although she didn’t come back to chat more).

Many people, even women with young kids, have trouble understanding how someone could be completely fulfilled by JUST being a mother.

There are books written about depression that can be caused by the monotony of all the daily things Full Time Mothers do, but there are few books written on the pleasure it brings.

One of my dearest friends had us over for dinner and said, looking me straight in the eye, “But what are you doing for YOU?”

Can’t she see that this IS for me?

I could start to second-guess the validity of complete gratification I receive from being a Full Time Mom because of societies expectation to have us do more.

Before I was a mother I worked 60-hour weeks for over 10 years as a VP of Sales to an entrepreneurial manufacturing company. I travelled, attended trade shows all over the country and in Europe and was rarely home.

I worked through my first child’s baby years and until I was pregnant with the twins. I loved it.

Now I love this.

Until last year, I was on the board of my children’s school for 3 years, chairing it one year.

This is my first year without any other major commitment other than my home and family.

Does having something else on the side make being a Full Time Mom more valid?

Let me go on record saying that one does not need to be a Full Time Mom to be a good mom. Actually, some of the best mothers I know hold full times jobs. Some do it because they have to and some do it because they want to. Working makes them better mothers. I am in awe, but not envious. I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world (except maybe 2 weeks paid vacation and a holiday bonus).

Right now I have the opportunity to focus on my children and my home.

It may not always be like this. I may want something different one day. I may need to go back to work for financial or emotional reasons, but right now this is who and what I am.

Although I have moments when being a Full Time Mom seems like too much… and too little at the same time, I still feel fortunate.

Fortunate to be involved in what happens in their classroom.

Fortunate to there for every report, play and presentation.

Fortunate to have created a loving home for them, offering stability and security in their lives.

I feel lucky to have bragging rights about my life as a mother.

A Full Time Mother.

"Being a Full Time Mom is the most difficult and important jobs there is."

And sometimes I can even have time to sneak in some writing!

Laundry is calling. GTG!

PS: Praise to Full Time Dad's too!

The lesson for this post is to BREATHE.

This to shall end and things will not remain this intense all the time.

I woke one morning to a very sick guinea pig. The poor thing looked like it had been through the washing machine spin cycle; hair matted up, eyes wet and puffy, moving slowly. I told the kids that that Guinea-Gin (that was the name that stuck for this poor animal) was sick. My oldest asked why I wasn't taking it to the vet.

So let me rewind life about 2 years to explain that one.

We have a rabbit that is in a hutch out back. He is a cute, little, brown rabbit. A kind of wild-looking rabbit, like the ones you would see living outside in your garden in the spring. My husband built the hutch and, as far as hutches go, its like a upscale condo with multiple rooms. One day I was packing up to go to the mountains for the weekend with the kids and I went outside to load up our rabbit, "Whiskers" with food and water. Whiskers looked at me and stood up on its hind legs. As it did, one front leg was there and the other was GONE! A bone stuck out where the little rabbits foot should have been. I screamed and instinctively took him to the vet, where they treated Whiskers for 48 hours, cleaned him up and performed surgery. They saved him! That little rabbit made it through. When I brought him home days later and shared this story with the family, my kids thought I was a hero, and my husband thought I was an idiot. "How much did that cost, babe?" he asked. I was afraid to answer. It was getting close to my birthday, so I said "It'll be my birthday gift! A healthy rabbit!" $800 later I swore to Skip I would never take a rodent or small animal like that to the vet again.

Well, it was Guinea's turn and unfortunately for Guinea-Gin, I kept my word to Skip.

I was nursing this little Guinea with an eye dropper, trying to get him to take food. I was in my nightgown, getting the kids ready for school. As they left I held him, wondering how long he would last like this. As I was getting ready to wash him in the laundry room sink (he had gotten pretty smelly), the doorbell rang. It was the landscapers coming to turn off our water for fall. I still wasn't dressed.

"Come on in" I said, in my nightgown, holding a dying guinea... in a washcloth. I let them into the basement where they proceed to work on the sprinklers.
I finally found a moment to run up and change, and I hear my husband scream "BABE! There is a flood! What are you doing!?" I composed myself as best as I could (still not dressed), put on a robe and ran back downstairs to see water all over the kitchen, bathroom and laundry room floor. It was leaking down into the basement. Oh yeah, I was planning to wash Guinea and I left the laundry sink filling. Well, there you have it. It was quite a morning in the Miller house. I called my friend Jen to share my story and started laughing so hard I was crying.

"Are you laughing or crying?" she asked, sincerely.

"I think a little of both"

BREATHE- I thought. Just breathe.

Guinea-Gin finally died the next day, fairly peacefully (and with no vet bill). The kids cried, we had a funeral, the sprinklers are shut down, the water is dried and cleaned up from the "flood", and guess what?

Our three-legged rabbit is still going strong.